Welcome to my new blog Cork to Cape - the second leg of my round the world motorcycle adventure. As some of you know my first trip took me down through Central and South America on the back of a BMW R1100GS. This trip will take me from Ireland to South Africa on an F800GS. My goal is to take my time, enjoy the ride, meet new people and volunteer along the way. I welcome everyone to view and enjoy the blog, add comments and give me any advice on special places to see or people to meet. And, of course, if anyone wants to join me for a section of the journey or if there is a place you always wanted to visit, please come along.


Friday, December 13, 2013

The road is long.

Day 214

Mileage 20,615 (32,984 km)

Personal Diary Entry, December 5th 2013:

“A strong wind whips the desert into a state of confusion. Atmosphere and earth combine and a bright, brown smudge hovers above the vague horizon, a hint of the blazing sun that lies beyond the sand choked air. Obscured shadows blot the endless dunes, lonely trees, silent camels, dust caked Bedouin driving parched goats across the unforgiving landscape. These are tough people  scraping a meager living from a land that reluctantly yields enough. 

Today, Beth broke my heart. She loves, and has loved, another and the revelation hurts me more than I can admit, the thought of her with someone else plays over and over in my imagination and I struggle to control my thumping pulse. I don’t feel anger but I am sure it will come. Ten years together and it feels as though I barely know her, she talks of emotions beyond what we have experienced together, she has no regrets and she wants me to understand so that we can ‘move on’. I want to wake from this darkness that now consumes my thoughts but with each hour comes the realization I will have to live with this painful new reality. Life without her seems impossible but life with her will never be the same. What is love without trust and respect but another empty, overused four letter word. What is life without Beth?  I feel too old and used to start again and I wonder if I have the strength to ‘move on’. She has been my best friend, my closest companion through good times and bad. We have shared more than I will ever remember and to know that she has now shared herself with another brings with it a sense of loss so painful it feels as though a part of us has died, lost forever.

Grieving for what once was is a fruitless waste of emotion but am I equipped with the fortitude to forgive? A heavy pendulum swings back and forth with every breath I take, a storm is approaching, I see the lightning in her eyes, I feel the thunder in my heart. What will remain when the dust settles?”

A week has passed since I wrote those words and today I find myself in a cheap, grungy hotel in the port city of Aqabah, Southern Jordan. Alone. Beth has decided to follow her heart and be with her new lover while my world lies in pieces. This morning she rode north, returning to Israel. I will continue south and attempt to enter Egypt tomorrow. Our life together is over.

Looking back through previous blog entries it’s clear I have tried to paint a rosy picture of our journey together. What we have experienced has been spectacular but not every day has been easy. Just like every couple we frustrate each other, we bicker and occasionally we argue and say hurtful things. We both have our faults but I feel absolutely blindsided by her sudden determination to discard our relationship and be with someone else. Whatever spell she is under allows her to focus only on the bad times and it pains me to think this is how she will remember all that we shared. The ease with which she could walk away from the life we built together leaves me feeling stunned and confused. Am I so terrible? If it really was so miserable, perhaps this is for the best. 


I will move on, I will grow, I will learn. I will spend time with myself and try to discover who I am. As impossible as it seems now, I will recover and rebuild, I will forgive. I am excited about what lies ahead, where the road will take me and who I will meet along the way. With no schedule or agenda I can follow my own heart. I feel it is time for the real journey to begin.

4 comments:

beth anderson said...

Those are powerful words of past love and pain. It is hard to read them and not be able to explain what happened.

The idea of this journey together was always a dream. I thought riding a motorcycle with Irish would not only be exciting but would save our marraige. I remember the day we shipped the bikes to Dublin he was so mad at me he told me not to come. I was not ready to let go so I pushed on. Then all across Europe, F.R.OY., and Turkey we fought. Yes, we had good times, but throughout this journey we have fought, broken up, and got back together because it was easier than splitting up the gear.

Africa was becoming more and more a reality and I did not want it to go the way Europe went. If we did not brake up now we would have broken up in the middle of Africa. I don't know what fantasy Irish lived in, but we were not good for one another. He told me that he knew one or two years into our relationship that I was not for him, and 10 years later I am tired of the game.

I met some one and "fell in love". We loved each other before we even layed hands on one anther, and if that is not love I don't know what is. Irish is right, I am not sorry for my actions. I am only sorry for any pain that I caused. I wish Irish the best, I gave him everything he needed for the trip, and now it's time for me to figure out what is best for me.

mom said...

Dear Irish,

We are so sorry for your Heartache, our heart is broken also.
Please be safe & take care!
Love,
Mo & Dan

Randall Frizzell said...

FOR THE BREAKUP OF A RELATIONSHIP

Now you endeavor
To gather yourself
And withdraw in slow
Animal woundedness
From love turned sour and ungentle.

When we love, the depth in us
Trusts itself forward until
The empty space between
Becomes gradually woven
Into an embrace where longing can close its weary eyes.

Love can seldom end clean;
For all the tissue is torn
And each lover turned stranger
Is dropped into a ruin of distance
Where emptiness is young and fierce.

Time becomes strange and slipshod;
It mixes memories that felt
The kiss of the eternal
With the blistering hurt of now.

Unknown to themselves,
Certain small things
Touch nerve-lines to the heart
And bring back with color and force
All that is utterly lost.

John O’Donohue

Sillk said...

Let go & let God...